Tangled thoughts

White Tiger by Aravind Adiga

wayneo1964@yahoo.com — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 19:57:44 GMT

I read an interesting story of an Indian escaping from his destiny of poverty in India. It made me wonder how far I would cross the moral gray line to escape a hopeless existance. And would I regret it or take the attitude of the writer that it was the only possible sane path to take? Here we have many choices but if the story is accurate in its depiction of Indian slum life, then there are no choices at all for the unfortunate people who are born into that life.

Things to ponder in 2009

wayneo1964@yahoo.com — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 23:48:01 GMT

Things that never change (in my reality): time, gravity, and death.

Things that inspire hope: finding self-contentment, the banishment of Bush (sorry Texas), Obama's speeches (even if he doesn't deliver he is still a great orator.

I look in the mirror and see an old man now. But it gives a sense of relief in that I don't have any more great expectations... just enjoy what comes and try to do what I can.

sleepless evening

wayneo1964@yahoo.com — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 05:36:11 GMT

Laid in bed for over an hour and can't get to sleep with concerns overriding any hope of rest. Sometimes it helps to write things down.

Trying to decide what to do about my son. He's gone through five jobs since getting out of tech school about two years ago. He always had reasonable excuses why it didn't work out... friction with the supervisor, bad working conditions, got sick and missed too many days...

Now he's working for me... sort of. He can't seem to get to work even 50% of the time. I wake him up before I leave, I call after I get to work, and he still doesn't show up. Every afternoon when I get back from work he says he'll be at work the next day.

So do I fire him to see what happens and hope for the best? Offer to pay for psychological counseling to see why he hates to work? Tell him to join the Coast Guard like a friend of his did a couple years ago (which worked out very well for him).

I've talked to him many times already that he can't rely on anyone else to drag him to work. When he does show up he does a reasonably good job (still room for improvement on keeping tools put away and the shop cleaned up). He's improved on baling, raking and cutting also. He just doesn't get the concept that he has to show up every morning that he says he is going to.

I just don't know how to motivate him. I pointed out that if he doesn't work he's going to be missing payments on his bills. His quad will be repossesed, he'll probably have his car insurance canceled which will cancel his license since he has a DUI. I know he'll continue to drive and probably will get arrested. I'll probably not bail him out since I figure he'll continue to drive, but then his friends will instead and he probably won't come home again.... and this scenario just keeps going around in my mind. I don't think I can change it, since it is up to him. I just lay on the bed trying to think of other possibilities and always come back to the same thing.

Book reviews

wayneo1964@yahoo.com — Sun, 16 Dec 2007 19:48:44 GMT

I don't know if I can say I enjoyed "The Kite Runner" but it was an excellent glimpse into Afghanistan's recent history and culture.

Leaving Mother Lake: A Girlhood at the Edge of the World
by Yang Erche Namu, Christine Mathieu - Biography & Autobiography - 2004 - 320 pages

I'm half way through this one and it is another good book for learning a new culture. I think this one can give insight into many aspects of our own life which is accentuated by the differences but which also has similarities. Trying to figure out if it is appropriate to send to my cousin's daughter for a Xmas gift. She's about 14 and home schooled with fundamentalist parents.

Spending too much time reading and surfing the web, I'm procrastinating at things I should get done until the last minute... I need to find a culture that accepts that and move there.

Feelin filosofikal

wayneo1964@yahoo.com — Wed, 05 Dec 2007 05:11:42 GMT

Sitting here thinking of my impending death... it's not any sooner or later than any other time, just statistically I'm getting closer. I'm watching my father get more angry as his body refuses to follow his mandates and becomes a painful burden. It's depressing to try to live a long life by having doctors cut off pieces of ones body and then prescribe selective poisons to be "healthier" only to have ones body slowly abdicate its responsibilities. I can certainly appreciate my own relatively good health much more now, but it also makes me wonder what I may decide if I begin to slide into the same abyss that he has gotton lost in.

It is best to focus on the present, but I think a wise man should also plan for the future so it won't be an unpleasant surprise.

There are phases in life that are clearly defined in my mind which includes baby, child, adolescent, young adult, mature adult and aged. I seem to be crossing over into the aged phase, which leaves just one more phase to pass through after this one. I don't think I will wish to spend too much time in the next phase so I should make the most of where I am at now. Unfortunately, there are very few things that can give me a sense of fulfillment anymore, and I don't know if I am capable of achieving any of those things. But I suppose just trying ought to suffice to bring some peace of mind. But I wonder how hard I will need to try though. Motivation seems to be harder to find as well.

My whole life has been aimed toward sorting through facts in search of knowledge and the wisdom that might come with it. What if the ultimate knowledge is a conundrum with two answers opposed to each other? Life always goes on whether it makes sense or not, and the universe will laugh at the joke it has played on us all. Actually that probably is the most fitting framework that the universe could be based on. Life is good, or at least funny. ;>)

music

wayneo1964@yahoo.com — Sun, 25 Nov 2007 17:47:17 GMT

Now I know the drawback of compiling the music I like to listen to on YouTube. When their site goes down it gets very quiet while surfing the web. But I imagine it will be just a short temporary thing... probably an update or a virus in their system. Time to reach over to the radio!

wayneo1964@yahoo.com — Sun, 04 Nov 2007 20:18:34 GMT

I've come to realize that I am a Bjork junkie. I listen to these over and over without getting tired of them.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FPyTgmC3nQQ&NR=1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wioa74MsBYA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WOcivBnNMEY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ULNfxGdzfB8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=38JMrdMCRbQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k72L2ZzfKT0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g8Z1MpcyqQU

wayneo1964@yahoo.com — Fri, 05 Oct 2007 03:15:49 GMT

Life gets in the way of living.

Irish eyes

wayneo1964@yahoo.com — Tue, 29 May 2007 05:00:28 GMT

I must come across as a reliable mark. Once again I think I've managed to place myself in the crosshairs of an Irish Traveler. It is probably only about a 40-50% probability now, but it has been rising as the patterns fall into place. I've decided to give up on internet dating until I'm senile enough to not worry about being conned. I would say I was being paranoid but there have been several others that I've met through POF that didn't set off the warning bells.

Maybe if I put in as much time into finding someone local as I put in on the dating sites I might have found someone already. Maybe I don't want to find anyone. I feel like the hermit who hates to leave his cave. Maybe I should call Susy and repeat a lovely mistake... maybe it won't be a mistake because I am totally wrong in my assessment. When you quit listening to your own judgement is when you are in deep trouble.

Procrastination

wayneo1964@yahoo.com — Mon, 19 Mar 2007 23:24:37 GMT

Is procrastination a bad thing? For anything of a non-emergency nature waiting to act allows more time to look at novel approaches to a problem. Rather than attacking a job immediately with whatever resources are available, procrastination allows for planning and contemplation of options.

And if something gets put off indefinitely? Maybe it didn't need to get done after all.

Or it might be the rationalization of the habitually lazy.

The bottom line is that everyone does what makes them feel comfortable. I see the piles of bills and paperwork inundating my desk, crying for attention. Heartlessly I ignore their pleas until the towering wall of paper threatens my precarious position beside my computer. That electronic Svengali, the Siren who continually beckons me to my ultimate destruction on the shoals of chaos.

All of which can be cured by one thing, moderation... the pablum of the proletariat... or was that religion? No need to decide now, I'll do it tomorrow.

Items of impotence

wayneo1964@yahoo.com — Sun, 11 Feb 2007 17:16:42 GMT

Some days it feels like I'm peddling like crazy on a stationary bike watching the world go by. Perhaps it's old age setting in giving me a feeling of impotence concerning most events. But then I am grateful that most people can't influence the world in a big way. Can you imagine if there were two George W's in the world? There probably would be nothing left. In some ways I envy the suicide bombers who are so sure of themselves that they can blow themselves up for their cause. Of course that is the easy way out... to stick around and continue to fight for a indefensible cause would be a lot tougher.

The US has failed in its duty to give a decent universal education to its citizens thereby denying them the ability to make good decisions regarding our leaders. How is there any hope that we can instill a democracy where there is even less education?

It's a grey day. *sigh*

wayneo1964@yahoo.com — Mon, 29 Jan 2007 05:08:34 GMT

Gahhhh! I've become compulsive on the forums at plentyoffish. Just spent the whole day reading threads. Has this become my social outlet? So much for my plan to start writing. Sheryl said I should try the 12 step plan... I guess I finally found something I can get addicted to.

Cold turkey or gradual withdrawal?

In the niche of time

wayneo1964@yahoo.com — Mon, 11 Dec 2006 13:29:54 GMT

I decided to try again... writing that is. By stating it here I hope to generate enough angst to keep me from quitting before getting at least a bad story down on paper. Haven't decided on a genre this time... maybe by writing without expectation I'll find my niche. My greatest fear is that it might be tragedy. Starting out with setting only a half hour a day for it. Hopefully it will turn into hours. I really need to do something for myself that might be considered a positive step.

circus mundus et mentis

wayneo1964@yahoo.com — Sun, 26 Nov 2006 15:51:34 GMT

I am currently reading "The Art of Happiness" by Howard Cutler and the Dalai Lama and just finished the chapter giving a historical and cultural perspective of intimacy that I thought was interesting. He cites Desmond Morris' definition of intimacy as the pragmatic end of the spectrum. That is any physical contact would be construed as intimacy, including contact with objects in the environment such as jewelry that might act as a substitute for a person. He cites Dan McAdams differing view of intimacy as "the desire for intimacy is the desire to share ones innermost self with another." And finally there are Drs. T.P. and P.T. Malone that define intimacy as "the experience of connectivity". I found this last especially interesting because I had just had written last week about that old question "If you could have one superpower, what would it be?" But now the urge for that power simply appears to be a subconscious desire for the intimacy that is lacking in my life. The point of the chapter was that intimacy is available in many forms and can be found with anyone if one can empathize with that person. Empathy is created by learning about the person's history, which means that there must be enough trust to initiate the intimacy of sharing information. There seems to be a circular chain of events required. I'll agree that there is a large range of possibilities, but for me a satisfying level of intimacy is difficult to achieve with people who don't share a large percentage of my values and interests.

super powers

wayneo1964@yahoo.com — Sun, 19 Nov 2006 14:56:02 GMT

I think I finally figured out the answer to that old question, "If you could have one super power, what would it be?"

At first I thought it would be to read minds, but that could be more of a curse. Instead I think I would like to be able to see the connections between people. How strong they are, how elastic they are. Whether it is love or hate (or both) that connects them. I suppose this would be a little bit like reading minds, but not as intrusive and detailed.

On another line of thought...
Just finished reading Janet Evanovitch's last book, "Twelve Sharp" and PJ Tracy's "Monkeewrench" (first in a series). I enjoyed both mysteries but was intrigued by how the difference in character development changed the feel of the story. Evanovitch's characters are all flawed, but come across as indestructible which maintains a feeling of fantasy to the work, not bad when looking for a book to give a escape from reality for the reader. PJ Tracys' writers went with flawed but vulnerable which lent to a much closer bonding of the reader to the characters. It definitely made the book hard to put down until the plot got resolved. I will have to start looking for the next in the series. Perhaps I like escaping from reality a bit too much. We all have our weaknesses and crutches to deal with them. Whatever works.

a tiny spark of insight

wayneo1964@yahoo.com — Fri, 20 Oct 2006 01:38:10 GMT

It seems that Marilyn may be realizing that we have little in common finally. We seem to have divergent views on most subjects that we discuss. But wouldn't that be true for most people? Simple probablility would show that for any subject that has many (hundreds of?) aspects then it is inevitable that most of the time two people would have a different take on any single matter. How does one find someone they are comfortable with? What criteria is used? I knew immediately when I went out with my ex for the first time that we had that connection that was a cross between comfort and interest. Not sure how we managed to lose it but that is another matter. I may not find it again but I finally realize that I can recognize it if it shows up again someday.

Abandon hope all ye who enter here

wayneo1964@yahoo.com — Tue, 10 Oct 2006 11:28:26 GMT

Woke up to a headache and a nightmare... haven't had the latter for many, many years. I suppose it might not be classified as a bona fide nightmare since it didn't have supernatural stuff, but it was disturbing. Not sure what part of my life it pertains to though. It might just be about all the litigation pertaining to the water wars we're having. I don't really feel connected to that even though I am stuck in the middle of it. What bothers me more in my life right now is that the last two times I talked to Sheryl, her voice didn't have the musically seductive quality it normally does. Then I wonder if it is me or her that has changed perspective. But the loss of that is real and important to me, the one thread of hope I clung to that I'm still capable of abandoning reason and falling in love. Rationality must be balanced just as any other factor of life and her voice characterized my irrational hope. But my rational side knows it wouldn't have worked out anyway so why should it bother me. All these mental threads get tied into tangled knots that will never be straightened out, but that is how life should be... mysterious and ever changing. It would be so boring if it wasn't.

50 ways

wayneo1964@yahoo.com — Tue, 05 Sep 2006 00:04:49 GMT

Talks with M are becoming more interesting and informative. I have been absorbing a lot of insight into her thought processes that seem to reflect a substantial percentage of the female minds through her gracious explanations. And she has knowledge of male mindsets that I have not run across as well. She is a wealth of information... my favorite type of person. I seem to continue to intrigue her curiosity as well.

Our talk today over the phone allowed her to feel safer and open up more. We definitely will not be progressing beyond the friend stage until she decides that I am not hung up on Sheryl. I won't be able to know that unless Sheryl and I meet, which may be another four or five years, if the prior twelve years are any indication of the relative speed of our relationship. And the last time I talked with Sheryl, she made it clear that she could not be interested in a man who couldn't commit unconditionally and completely to her. I told her that simply wasn't anything a rational pragmatic realist could do. We both agreed to that without an iota of friendship lost. So it looks like I have the good fortune to have two good friends and no lover. Fate always knows best.

Just one of those days

wayneo1964@yahoo.com — Mon, 28 Aug 2006 02:30:35 GMT

Today was much like every other day. Regular routine with one tiny exception. One little piece of hope was taken away. From that point on the day became a little grayer, I felt an underlying emptiness that, while not overwhelming, was enough to weigh on my mind the rest of the day. Why can't things we can't change be put behind us right away? What's the point in wallowing in a depressed state of mind? My pragmatic self says that I should assess the facts and move on. What is the evolutionary advantage to being depressed? Shouldn't that have been eliminated from the gene pool eons ago? Instead it seems like it acts like a magnet for other items that have been left behind to get pulled up to the surface.
There must be something positive about depression, I just need to look more closely.

Social intercourse

wayneo1964@yahoo.com — Sun, 06 Aug 2006 18:36:28 GMT

It occurred to me that acquaintances can be classified in two ways, those that stimulate thought and those that don't. It is subjective, of course, what will stimulate thought for each person. For me it is out of the box thinking that may or may not be logical. The people who recite truisms or are content with the status quo of life do not entice me into communication, other than the occasional lapse of my judgment to try to shake them out of their reverie.

Irrational thought can be interesting for a bit, but if a person cannot constrain it by some sort of logic, it will quickly lose its appeal to the listener.

Now I wonder if the people who enjoy social small talk are as put off by off the wall conversations as I am of their social chatter? I guess the only proper thing to do is to continue to annoy each other and thus maintain diversity.

On the couch

wayneo1964@yahoo.com — Mon, 24 Jul 2006 03:37:17 GMT

Trying to figure out why I'm not entirely comfortable around M. Pleasant interesting conversation, but there is something missing that I can't quite grasp. Spent the night at her place in the mountains and went for a couple walks around the lake. Beginning to understand her vocabulary... everyone has their own shaded meanings on many words. Perhaps I am waiting for her to give a hint about her dark side. Everyone has a set of negatives to balance their positive attributes and when the negative side is carefully concealed, I think it probably is meaningful. But then she claims to be an optimist so maybe that is the norm to bury any negative ideas so deeply that they cannot surface. In any case it doesn't look like this relationship will develop any further beyond a friend stage. On the bright side, I may get some counseling out of our relationship... she seemed intrigued by some of the twists in my psyche.

A question of attitude

wayneo1964@yahoo.com — Wed, 31 May 2006 04:29:00 GMT

Starting with the premise that all knowledge is neither good nor bad, if the purpose of life is to learn as much as possible, and if learning how the world works makes one more cynical and cautious concerning its pitfalls, then why do people generally see these as undesirable traits?

Looking for my Point, as Harry Nilsson would have said.

wayneo1964@yahoo.com — Tue, 23 May 2006 01:46:44 GMT

Spending way too much time clicking through profiles on a couple singles sites but it probably could be called one of my few opportunities for entertainment. The latest trend is to characterize oneself as "real" or to want someone who is "real". I'm not sure what that is exactly, but I suspect it is yet another subjective characteristic that is unique for each person. One person's "real" is another's fantasy. That could be why there seems to be such a dearth of "real" people available for all of those seekers. If each person has their own definition of "real", then it is a wonder that anyone can connect with a similar minded person.

I had thought that I would like to find a nice logical woman, but then I realized that logic follows many different paths, some leading to the same places, and some to an oxymoronic conclusion. I am probably too old and set in my ways to go any way but forward in my quest to find logic in the universe. My brain already is addled by age, and my body is not far behind. I suppose it doesn't matter if it makes sense or not, it is the way it is.

Life is a crapshoot.

twisting in the wind

wayneo1964@yahoo.com — Tue, 09 May 2006 01:13:59 GMT

Having a hard time reading Stacia's journal since she changed her format. Thought it was my computer for a while but it only freezes up while reading her journal. If I was a suspicious type I would think someone was sabotaging her journal... hmmm, I am a suspicious type! It is amazing how twisted the human mind can become.

Y's up

wayneo1964@yahoo.com — Sun, 23 Apr 2006 04:57:43 GMT

I wonder why some days I feel as though there is an enormous chasm between what I wish to be and what I am. Other times it doesn't bother me. What makes the difference?